GGW Blog | Girls Gone Wild » Advice

A FIELD GUIDE TO COLLEGE GIRLS

Ben — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 06:45:40 +0000

Ask any guy over 30 about his college days and you’ll hear the same story: he regrets that he didn’t play the field more. He’ll insist you should sample a smorgasbord of college chicks. He’s right, but where to begin? Sometimes it’s obvious which girls you should pursue, like the hotties who were repressed in high school and are now cutting loose. But some potential hookups are not so obvious. We’ve compiled a handy guide to help point you in the right direction. Read More….

THE TRANSFER STUDENT
She’s a fresh and perky beauty from Oklahoma, Iowa or Ohio who is so incredibly friendly it makes you want to cry. She may be naive in bed, but she’s enthusiastic and adorable when she looks up at you with those big blue eyes while tonguing your shaft. Snatch her up FAST before she finds her way to the Girls Gone Wild offices and appears on the cover of this magazine.

THE ALCOHOLIC PARTY GIRL
Your partner in crime. She’ll keep up with you all night whether you’re drinking beer, shots, or more beer. Somehow, she doesn’t get sick like the other girls, perhaps because she’s been boozing since 4th grade. She claims to enjoy anal but you’re never sober enough to stick it in, so most nights her wonderfully sloppy blowjobs are the last thing you remember. Unfortunately, she will drop out during winter break, after accidentally sleeping with your roommate.

THE ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST
She speaks on behalf of animals who can’t speak for themselves, which is most of them except the ones in cartoons. To seduce this girl, pretend your uncle takes you on hunting trips every November. Allow her to passionately persuade you that this is wrong. It’s worth it just to be able to say you went down on a girl who doesn’t shave her muff.

THE STRIPPER
She is extremely ambitious and instead of racking up student loans, she is putting herself through college by dancing topless at an upscale gentlemen’sclub. She’s devoted to her studies, but every now and then she wants to have some fun. Her idea of fun is jumping out of an airplane or zip-lining across the GrandCanyon. Think of her as a high-risk investment that could yield huge returns or ruin you forever.

THE TOWNIE
She doesn’t actually attend the col- lege. She’s finishing high school and works in the dining hall of your dorm. She saves extra French toast for you on the weekends and arranges her smoke breaks to coincide with your class schedule. She’s the perfect fuck buddy who knows where to score weed from the locals. To be on the safe side, make sure she provides two valid forms of identification before she gets naked.

DADDY’S LITTLE PRINCESS

She’s a cute, well-dressed, slightly chubby sorority girl who is used to hav- ing her way all the time. She won’t do anything in bed that resembles having sex with you. She can sniff out your weaknesses like a shark. The upside of dating this girl is that she always has funds to buy beer, but she makes you earn every drop by insisting you cover her volunteer shift at the homeless shelter so she can go shopping.

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5 THINGS THAT DRIVE CHICKS WILD

Ben — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 09:37:04 +0000

Women are a complicated species. What works for one chick doesn’t always fly with the next. So to help out all the struggling dudes out there we asked the chicks who appear in Girls Gone Wild put together a short list of things that are guaranteed to drive her crazy. Here’s what they said: Read More….

1. I like when you’re greedy during sex.

“And by this I don’t mean I like it when you shove your cock in my mouth and that’s all we do for an hour-and-a-half. By this I mean you only do what feels good and turns you on, not what you think turns me on. I don’t want you to touch me because you think it makes me feel good, I want you to touch me because it gets you hard, because you need to and want to. What turns me on is knowing that you’re getting off doing what you’re doing. Sex isn’t about just you or just me–it’s about making a physical connection together.”

2. It really is adorable when you make awkward attempts to enjoy the things that I enjoy, or take part in the things I do.

“Once you found out I was a writer, you began using big words (no doubt dug up from an old thesaurus you hadn’t touched since your junior year of college) in a clunky, if not incorrect, manner. You began reading Flaubert and would bring up his “ebullient” use of imagery in everyday conversations. After I told you I loved surrealism you brought over a big book of modern art and flipped through it, head cocked, eyes squinting, pondering Dali’s gravity-defying elephants on stilts. You would mutter things like “great use of color,” and “I love the irony here.”

3. It kind of turns me on when you flirt with other girls, so long as no boundaries are crossed.

“In my sick little mind I imagine you fucking her right in front of me. Maybe I get excited at the opportunity to exert my ownership and mark my territory. Maybe jealousy is an untapped aphrodisiac. But the thought of you with another girl makes me want to take you to my bedroom and do naughty things to you all night long.”

4. I like when you take me to amusement parks and scary movies and smell like baby powder.

“Research shows that our feelings of love and attachment increase after sharing a thrilling experience, like riding Superman the Escape at Six Flags or seeing a creepy horror flick. Research also shows that the scent of baby powder is a big turn-on for women. Why? I don’t know. Because it reminds us that we want to make babies? Anyway, it can’t hurt. Just don’t load the stuff on too heavy or I’ll know what you’re doing and think you’re a creep.”

5. When you tell me to take my vitamins and quit smoking.

“That’s way more romantic than that half-assed teddy bear-holding-a-fake-rose thing you picked up at the Mobil One The Run. What in god’s name am I supposed to do with shit like that? Put it in a shoebox and cherish it forever? Um, no thanks. Listen, giving me useless crap says “I wanna bone you tonight.” Showing concern for my health says “I wanna bone you tonight.” Showing concern for my health says, “I wanna bone you for years to come.”"

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7 THINGS SHE WANTS IN BED

Ben — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 22:28:19 +0000

You know how ladies’ magazines always pick some sort of random number for this kind of list? “41 Ways To Tickle His Balls,” “23 Pubic Hair Trends,” intelectual stuff like that? I think they do it to give them some air of authenticity, like they aren’t just recycling some old boilerplate into a Top 10 filler article. I wish I could say that was the case here. Anyway, I may have shortchanged you, but these 7 bits of wisdom are hard-earned and effective. Take it from me. Read More….

1. ANAL SEX

She’s definitely got a couple friends who are into it. And she’s probably had some frat boy try to gracelessly shove his dong up there after a rowdy keg party or something. Don’t be that guy. Make it seem like it’s no big deal. Frame it as something you’re curious about but have always been wary about trying. That’s probably how she feels, too. And it’ll make her feel comfortable enough to try it with you. If you’re an ass-happy jackhammer artist, she’s not gonna let you anywhere near that thing. By making it an anal adventure you embark on together, even the staunchest “exit only” hardliner will let you at least pop a finger in there to see what it feels like. And if and when she finally does let you do it, be a gent. Use plenty of lube and go easy the first couple of times, especially if you’re hung like John Holmes’ horse.

2. ROAD HEAD

This isn’t “in bed,” exactly. This particular act takes place in a car. Assuming you’ve got one. Doesn’t work as well on a city bus, which is my main method of transport these days since some dick boosted my ’89 Supra. But that’s neither here nor there. For some reason, a blowjob in the car is an acceptable sexual escapade for most girls. Safe as milk, like faking an orgasm in a deli. Get out on a lonely stretch of highway and drop some hints. She’ll be tugging at your belt and crawling over the console in no time. And again, even if you’ve been blown on every interstate between Jacksonville and Bakersfield, make it seem like this is something new to you.

3. THREESOMES

Ideally your girl has some experience making out with other girls. Let’s say, best-case scenario, she has a hot mess of a single friend who she occasionally makes out with when she gets drunk. You know the type. Let’s call her Tiffany. Maybe you casually encourage your girlfriend to invite Tiffany out for drinks. Maybe you spring for shots. Maybe they make out. Maybe it becomes a regular thing. Maybe you decide to stay in and have dinner and a couple bottles of wine at home some night. Maybe you say, “Why don’t you invite Tiffany, she’s probably not doing anything.” Maybe your girlfriend thinks this is a sweet, gentlemanly gesture. Maybe you all drink a little too much wine and smoke a little too much pot. Take it from there. As I mentioned before, this has to at least appear to be her (their) idea, even though you’ve planted all the seeds to make it happen. And beware of jealousy issues. You have to be careful not to pay too much attention to Tiffany. And you have to hang back occasionally and let them do their thing until they tag you back in.

4. SEX TOYS

As longtime readers of this blog know, I’ve had some harrowing experiences with sex toys. But it’s a cold, hard fact that the ladies love ’em. And if you spend a few bucks and make a present of one of the higher-end sex toys, it’s a gift that will keep on giving for both of you. It will make her horny as hell and open her up sexually. And it does all the hard work for you. Help her get herself off with the toy beforehand and she’s much more tolerant of your signature 6-minute grunt-and-thrust.

5. THE ROUGH STUFF

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that all girls — from Dallas debutantes to East St.
Louis streetwalkers — like a little roughhousing. Don’t go Patrick Bateman on them, but start by talking a little dirty and giving her a slap on the ass. Before you know it, she’ll be begging you to choke her, pinch her nipples and throw her around like a rag doll.

6. NAKED PICTURES AND VIDEOS

Your girlfriend knows you watch porn. And she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t get why you dash into your sad little rabbit hole to type “Asian teen” into the Redtube search bar every time she makes a Starbucks run or jumps in the shower. The trick here is convincing that you’d rather be jerking off to images of her than the girls on the Internet. Again, go slow and let it be her idea. Maybe she’ll ask what kind of stuff turns you on. Don’t show her what you actually spank it to, start with some artsy gateway porn like Terry Richardson or Richard Kern. The kind of thing she could see herself doing. If you play your cards right, and you’re a trustworthy enough gent that you won’t show the photos to your buddies or post them online, you should be having your own little San Fernando Valley-style shoot in your bedroom in no time. Girls love to take their clothes off for the camera. This blog wouldn’t exist otherwise.

7. STRIP SHOWS

This is a bit of a rehash of number 6 but, let’s face it, I’m trying to stretch a dollar
here. If you’re the kind of guy who’s prone to coming home at night with glitter on your
lap and the scent of cheap perfume on your goatee, try letting your girlfriend audition
for you. She’d much rather have you on the love seat in the living room than in the VIP room at Cheetah’s. And at the very least, you save yourself $100 bucks and can grab her ass without being escorted out by a burly bouncer.

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PILLOW TALK: NEVER SAY THIS IN BED

Ben — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 17:31:56 +0000

“I’ve never seen a (insert body part here) that looked like that before!”

Unless you’re telling me I have the most beautiful rack on earth, I don’t want to hear that my tits/ass/ stomach/vagina/ears/shoulders/ toes look different from every other chick’s you’ve seen. To girls, different means bad. it doesn’t matter if you don’t mean it that way. We’re going to take it that way. Next time you notice something unique about a chick, be sure to insert a complimentary adjective. Perfect, beautiful, sexy, hot, fine, gorgeous, amazing, flawless and stunning all work. Steer clear of different, unusual or peculiar. Read More….

“I swear this has never happened to me before.”

Why would I believe that? If it’s happening with me, it sure as hell better have happened before; if it hasn’t, you’re telling me I’m the reason you can’t keep it stiff. And then we’re really going to be stuck between a rock and a not-so-hard place. If you can’t maintain a strong dong, you ought to have a damn good excuse… that doesn’t involve me!

“You looked… different last night…”

We’ve all gone home with someone who looked slammin’ at the bar, but has a third nipple/female mustache/man boobs/eye patch in the morning. Hide your disappointment. She definitely knows if she has a 5 o’clock shadow. Don’t remind her! Tell her you had a great time… you remember everything from last night… you’ll call her real soon… bla, bla, bla.

“You remind me of my mom.”

EEEEEWWWWW!! There is nothing grosser than having you think about your mom while you’re inside of me, you sick fuck. There is no turning back after those words leave your lips. If you are thinking about your mommy every time you get your balls tickled, call Dr. Drew. That’s out of my league.

Farting

I don’t want to hear you fart in bed, and I most certainly do not want to smell your fart in bed. Hold it; go in the bathroom; run to your buddy’s place down the street. Just don’t do it in bed!!

“You don’t mind if I watch the game while you blow me.”

Of course not! You might as well take a dump on my head while you’re at it! If you care that much about watching the game, then learn how to suck your own dick. Until then, show some respect… and use your DVR.

Another Girl’s Name

If that sentence doesn’t end with “is a bitch” or some other derogatory claim, don’t start it. I’d rather you call me hot Dog than rachel. There’s nothing worse than hearing someone else’s name in bed… except for the blue balls you’ll suffer afterwards.

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