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Girls Gone Wild Blog

7 THINGS SHE WANTS IN BED

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You know how ladies’ magazines always pick some sort of random number for this kind of list? “41 Ways To Tickle His Balls,” “23 Pubic Hair Trends,” intelectual stuff like that? I think they do it to give them some air of authenticity, like they aren’t just recycling some old boilerplate into a Top 10 filler article. I wish I could say that was the case here.   Anyway, I may have shortchanged you, but these 7 bits of wisdom are hard-earned and effective. Take it from me.  Read More….

1. ANAL SEX

She’s definitely got a couple friends who are into it. And she’s probably had some frat boy try to gracelessly shove his dong up there after a rowdy keg party or something. Don’t be that guy. Make it seem like it’s no big deal. Frame it as something you’re curious about but have always been wary about trying. That’s probably how she feels, too. And it’ll make her feel comfortable enough to try it with you. If you’re an ass-happy jackhammer artist, she’s not gonna let you anywhere near that thing. By making it an anal adventure you embark on together, even the staunchest “exit only” hardliner will let you at least pop a finger in there to see what it feels like. And if and when she finally does let you do it, be a gent. Use plenty of lube and go easy the first couple of times, especially if you’re hung like John Holmes’ horse.

2. ROAD HEAD

This isn’t “in bed,” exactly. This particular act takes place in a car. Assuming you’ve got one. Doesn’t work as well on a city bus, which is my main method of transport these days since some dick boosted my ’89 Supra. But that’s neither here nor there. For some reason, a blowjob in the car is an acceptable sexual escapade for most girls. Safe as milk, like faking an orgasm in a deli. Get out on a lonely stretch of highway and drop some hints. She’ll be tugging at your belt and crawling over the console in no time. And again, even if you’ve been blown on every interstate between Jacksonville and Bakersfield, make it seem like this is something new to you.

3. THREESOMES

Ideally your girl has some experience making out with other girls. Let’s say, best-case scenario, she has a hot mess of a single friend who she occasionally makes out with when she gets drunk. You know the type. Let’s call her Tiffany. Maybe you casually encourage your girlfriend to invite Tiffany out for drinks. Maybe you spring for shots. Maybe they make out. Maybe it becomes a regular thing. Maybe you decide to stay in and have dinner and a couple bottles of wine at home some night. Maybe you say, “Why don’t you invite Tiffany, she’s probably not doing anything.” Maybe your girlfriend thinks this is a sweet, gentlemanly gesture. Maybe you all drink a little too much wine and smoke a little too much pot. Take it from there. As I mentioned before, this has to at least appear to be her (their) idea, even though you’ve planted all the seeds to make it happen. And beware of jealousy issues. You have to be careful not to pay too much attention to Tiffany. And you have to hang back occasionally and let them do their thing until they tag you back in.

 

4. SEX TOYS

As longtime readers of this blog know, I’ve had some harrowing experiences with sex toys. But it’s a cold, hard fact that the ladies love ’em. And if you spend a few bucks and make a present of one of the higher-end sex toys, it’s a gift that will keep on giving for both of you. It will make her horny as hell and open her up sexually. And it does all the hard work for you. Help her get herself off with the toy beforehand and she’s much more tolerant of your signature 6-minute grunt-and-thrust.

5. THE ROUGH STUFF

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that all girls — from Dallas debutantes to East St.
Louis streetwalkers — like a little roughhousing. Don’t go Patrick Bateman on them, but start by talking a little dirty and giving her a slap on the ass. Before you know it, she’ll be begging you to choke her, pinch her nipples and throw her around like a rag doll.

 

6. NAKED PICTURES AND VIDEOS

Your girlfriend knows you watch porn. And she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t get why you dash into your sad little rabbit hole to type “Asian teen” into the Redtube search bar every time she makes a Starbucks run or jumps in the shower. The trick here is convincing that you’d rather be jerking off to images of her than the girls on the Internet. Again, go slow and let it be her idea. Maybe she’ll ask what kind of stuff turns you on. Don’t show her what you actually spank it to, start with some artsy gateway porn like Terry Richardson or Richard Kern. The kind of thing she could see herself doing. If you play your cards right, and you’re a trustworthy enough gent that you won’t show the photos to your buddies or post them online, you should be having your own little San Fernando Valley-style shoot in your bedroom in no time. Girls love to take their clothes off for the camera. This blog wouldn’t exist otherwise.

 7. STRIP SHOWS

This is a bit of a rehash of number 6 but, let’s face it, I’m trying to stretch a dollar
here. If you’re the kind of guy who’s prone to coming home at night with glitter on your
lap and the scent of cheap perfume on your goatee, try letting your girlfriend audition
for you. She’d much rather have you on the love seat in the living room than in the VIP room at Cheetah’s. And at the very least, you save yourself $100 bucks and can grab her ass without being escorted out by a burly bouncer.

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