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Girls Gone Wild Blog

TIPS FROM CHICKS: DON’T DO THIS IN BED

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DON’T HUM WHILE GETTING HEAD
Is that the theme to Law and Order? If you want a girl to give you a spectacular hummer, mute the tunes. Exception: If you’re as funny as or actually are Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords, you can hum the shit out of “Business Time” and the girl bobbing up and down on your junk will be your love slave for life.

 

DON’T NARRATE THE ACTION

“Here is what I am going to do to you, girl. I am going to take my fat cock and run it along your taint like Picasso’s paintbrush. Then at the precise moment I sense your anal arousal level reaching its peak, I’m going to plunge four fingers into … ”Your bed will remain
 a lonely wasteland of solo narration if you continue this lamest of lame-o moves.

 

DON’T TELL US WHEN WE FILL A SLOT ON YOUR FANTASY “FUCK-IT LIST”
“I can’t believe I’m finally going Asian.” “Done and done, I banged a virgin!” 
“Is my dick really in a black girl right now? Hold it, I gotta get my iPhone.” “Do you know how hard it is to find a girl with a prosthetic right hand and rubber left foot on Match.com who isn’t like totally fuckin’ugly?” Word to 
the wise, chiggity-check yo self before you riggity-wreck yo self.

 

DON’T HAVE A WANDERING EYE

Once the clothes are off and spit has been swapped, focus on the pussy in front of you, not on her choice of decor. “No, I don’t know where I got that chair in the corner, or who painted that picture above my smooth and perfect ass.” Or, even worse, “Who is the girl in the picture with me on my nightstand, you ask? She is my best friend and yes she is unfucking unbelievably hot and yes she has a boyfriend and no she is not my roommate and, uh-huh, they are real, and yes she has been mistaken for Angelina Jolie.” You can think about the roommate without saying anything.

 

DON’T GRAB A GIRL’S TUMMY AND TURN IT INTO A “MOUTH”

Even hot girls who look like they haven’t eaten since the Clinton administration are self-conscious about their stomachs. So, grabbing the tummy of a girl and forming a funny little flesh mouth is not going to win you any points. Moving the “mouth” and giving it the deep burbling voice of Jabba the Hut is just plain fucktarded.

 

DON’T TALK ABOUT HOW MANY POINTS YOU’RE SCORING

Using video game, sports or computer lingo to describe how you’re doing in the sack is not anything close to hot. “Sounds like I discovered your hidden code, baby.” “In a surprise move he runs it back for a two point safety, he tosses it, the crowd is on its feet.” And if you must rate the sex afterwards, never rate it lower than a 9 on a scale of 1-10. Never.

 

DON’T BE DISGUSTING

A grimace on your face while flicking some crap off your bed before a girl gets in does not qualify as foreplay. Also, saying things like, “I think my roommate and his girlfriend screw on my bed sometimes” or, “I have no idea where these stains came from”, just made the previously ready and willing girl in front of you barf in her mouth a little.

 

DON’T RATE ON A
 BELL CURVE

Saying things like, “This is awesome, not only do you look like you my ex, who by the way was a total cuntwad, you even fuck like her. She was an awesome fuck, you’re almost
 at her level. One thing she did was get me on all fours, slide under me and give me the grease monkey – you know that’s where you…” Or, worse, talking about how fat and/or ugly your last lay was and how thankful you are that you are with your current upgrade.

 

DON’T BE A LOW SELF-ESTEEM
 PUNCHING BAG

You are not Woody Allen. Jabbering about how lame you are now, but how you plan on being less lame and so much wealthier and in shape soon is in no way a turn on. Why don’t you go ahead and tell a girl you love her during the first time you do it with her? That’s not desperate or anything. Lastly, sobbing while disclosing that your mail-order bride didn’t work out will very likely divert your access to the pearl in the clam.

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